Facing Fears at an Early Age

Fear is a natural emotion experienced by all people at some time or another. Adults have fears, kids have fears. The problem comes when the fear starts to dominate a person’s life.

If your child is experiencing fears that are getting in the way of life’s daily routine, it is time to take a closer look at what is going on.

Fear can serve a purpose in a kid’s life. Take a child who fears the dark or noises at night. This child can really become terrifi ed, with crying and screaming. But what is the purpose of the fear? Mommy comes in, pats him on the head, reads him a second story, sits in the chair and rocks him. And guess what? The child becomes more fearful. Why? Because you paid off the fear. Does that mean you don’t give a kid comfort? No. As the parent, you are the psychological blankie for that child. But at the same time, you have to exercise parental judgment to not get overly involved and drawn into an assignment that your son or daughter has—in this case going to bed.

You have to learn to say, “Honey, I know you can handle it.’’

“But mom, I can’t fall asleep.’’

“Honey, there are lots of nights I can’t fall asleep. Just lie there, and sooner or later you will fall asleep.’’

Many of us have fears. There are lots of adults who fear fl ying. I’m claustrophobic, so I can identify with fears of being in a closed space.

Many kids have fears. Are they real? Yeah. Are they going to go away? Lots of times they do. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they are things we learn to live with.

All fears have probably been reinforced in some way. They become part of our behavior. Can you unlearn them? Yes, but with a lot of work.

One thing you don’t want to do is deny the child’s fear. “Now, honey, there is nothing to be fearful about.’’ The kid is already fearful, so in his or her mind, there is.

It makes more sense to say, “Honey you can be fearful if you want to. You can fear that monster in the house, but frankly, there are no monsters in the house. I can guarantee you that there is not a single monster in this house.’’

When you talk to a child like that, you are not paying off the child’s fear in any way. The more you grant the right to be fearful, the less likely that fear is going to continue. He is in charge of that fear now. You can’t handle the fear for him. Only he can. Some fears are based upon reality. A child who did not prepare for a test might be fearful of going to school. Or a child who feels he will not do well in the band concert might be fearful of getting on stage. Rather than running the risk of trying, he’d rather not go. A lot of people live their lives like that. Be there to reassure the child. “Honey, as the one who loves you more than anyone in the whole world, I think you will do just fi ne.’’

Tell him how you see things, then stand back and say, ‘”You’re going to have to fi gure that out.’’ Be there for the child, let him know you have confi dence in him, but don’t pay off the fears. It will only serve to make matters worse.

Next month: Ah, your perfectionist child. Dr. Leman offers advice on living with the president of the young perfectionist’s club.